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By Evan
Every relationship (usually) ends up facing the “big test”: can the two lovers withstand the brutality that is their partner’s “number”? It could come at any time – after a few weeks, where the relationship appears serious. Perhaps it is after the first time you sleep together. Usually the girl is the one who asks the question that seems to echo for all eternity: “So, how many people have you been with?” The “been with” is almost always said awkwardly. At this point, the guy has to frantically think. Maybe his number is too high, and he feels he should lie to avoid appearing dirty. Or maybe he should be honest, and make his girl feel paranoid and jealous, as she contemplates if she is merely “one of many.”
The “Numbers Game”, or the “Accounting of Relationships”, as I call it, can really make or break a relationship. Sometimes, after only a couple of weeks, it is hard to judge the reaction of a woman. Just like a high number can have positive or negative effects, so can a low number. If the number is low, a girl may be impressed with your discipline and careful choosing. On the other hand, she may wonder why the number is so little. A thought such as, “He’s been in college for four years…what the hell has this chump been doing with his time?” could always pop in her head. In a perfect world, everyone would just be honest. More often that not, that just does not happen. The numbers conversation is an important one, so men, choose your number wisely.
If I had to guess, I would say girls lie much more than guys. For guys, there’s no truly wrong answer. The only guys who really may be forced to lie are the “alpha-males”, the guys who make up a small percentage of men and could be considered outliers. There numbers are 30-80 by the time they’re in their early 20’s. The sheer thought of an STD could scare any girl away from this womanizing breed. So, guys, if you are no alpha male, you can relax a little bit. If you really can’t judge your girl on her reaction, then just be honest.
For girls, it’s trickier. The majority of guys are almost always arrogant in two categories:
-They want to have a son from their gene pool. They want to “keep the good name going”
-They do not want their special girl to have been marked by too many guys, just like a dog doesn’t want his fire hydrant peed on by too many dogs (especially rotweillers or other fierce competitors, who could be the “alpha males” of the canine species)
So, as most girls know, if the number is too large, there may be problems. The guy can easily be turned off. He may not necessarily break up with the girl (if Ed Harris can get together with a hooker in “Milk Money”, guys can deal with a girl that has a bigger track record than the Beatles), but there may be issues throughout the relationship. Whenever the girl kisses a guy on the cheek or gives a flirtatious hello, her guy may be filled with jealousy and hostility. They’ll have the same fight over and over again, about how the guy can’t comprehend the hovering cloud over the relationship, the number. Girls know this, so how can they avoid this problem? Here is where the Blowjob Loophole comes into play.
Never have I ever heard a guy ask a girl how many guys she has given oral sex to. Partners only ask each other how many people they have slept with. Most guys think about this, but are too afraid to ask. The thought of the act of our girl giving oral sex to a different guy is just too much to handle. We try to block it out and some guys may even make believe that their girl has only given oral sex to past boyfriends (this guy is known as someone “in denial”).
Using this information, crafty girls can keep men off their resumes, just like Enron kept billions of dollars of debt off their balance sheet. The debt still existed, but they didn’t have to show it.
Let’s say a girl I am dating has only slept with 5 guys and she’s 21 years old. I would be more than happy with this number. Now, what I do not know, though, is that she has given oral sex to 22 guys. If I knew this, I would be upset. However, I’ll never find out – and the girl knows this.
When a girl is intensely hooking up with a guy, at times she feels compelled to take care of him. Ideally, she’d sleep with him. It’s like taking your family to an amusement park that serves alcohol – something fun for everyone. In the back of her head, though, she wants to keep as much debt off her balance sheet as possible. To keep her name in good standing, she decides to give oral sex. The results are the following:
-The guy is happy. And why wouldn’t he be? Guys love oral sex.
-Insecure guys still have a story to tell their friends. 2nd base is not worthy of a story, unless the girl’s breasts are in the top 10% of the female population.
-Even though the average girl does not necessarily enjoy giving oral sex, she is happy to have pleased her man.
-Most importantly – the girl does not have to “count” this one. When she gets in a serious relationship, according to the numbers game, this night never happened.
So there you go. The Blowjob Loophole. To the girls of genius who have mastered this revolutionary mindset, I applaud you.
Every relationship (usually) ends up facing the “big test”: can the two lovers withstand the brutality that is their partner’s “number”? It could come at any time – after a few weeks, where the relationship appears serious. Perhaps it is after the first time you sleep together. Usually the girl is the one who asks the question that seems to echo for all eternity: “So, how many people have you been with?” The “been with” is almost always said awkwardly. At this point, the guy has to frantically think. Maybe his number is too high, and he feels he should lie to avoid appearing dirty. Or maybe he should be honest, and make his girl feel paranoid and jealous, as she contemplates if she is merely “one of many.”
The “Numbers Game”, or the “Accounting of Relationships”, as I call it, can really make or break a relationship. Sometimes, after only a couple of weeks, it is hard to judge the reaction of a woman. Just like a high number can have positive or negative effects, so can a low number. If the number is low, a girl may be impressed with your discipline and careful choosing. On the other hand, she may wonder why the number is so little. A thought such as, “He’s been in college for four years…what the hell has this chump been doing with his time?” could always pop in her head. In a perfect world, everyone would just be honest. More often that not, that just does not happen. The numbers conversation is an important one, so men, choose your number wisely.
If I had to guess, I would say girls lie much more than guys. For guys, there’s no truly wrong answer. The only guys who really may be forced to lie are the “alpha-males”, the guys who make up a small percentage of men and could be considered outliers. There numbers are 30-80 by the time they’re in their early 20’s. The sheer thought of an STD could scare any girl away from this womanizing breed. So, guys, if you are no alpha male, you can relax a little bit. If you really can’t judge your girl on her reaction, then just be honest.
For girls, it’s trickier. The majority of guys are almost always arrogant in two categories:
-They want to have a son from their gene pool. They want to “keep the good name going”
-They do not want their special girl to have been marked by too many guys, just like a dog doesn’t want his fire hydrant peed on by too many dogs (especially rotweillers or other fierce competitors, who could be the “alpha males” of the canine species)
So, as most girls know, if the number is too large, there may be problems. The guy can easily be turned off. He may not necessarily break up with the girl (if Ed Harris can get together with a hooker in “Milk Money”, guys can deal with a girl that has a bigger track record than the Beatles), but there may be issues throughout the relationship. Whenever the girl kisses a guy on the cheek or gives a flirtatious hello, her guy may be filled with jealousy and hostility. They’ll have the same fight over and over again, about how the guy can’t comprehend the hovering cloud over the relationship, the number. Girls know this, so how can they avoid this problem? Here is where the Blowjob Loophole comes into play.
Never have I ever heard a guy ask a girl how many guys she has given oral sex to. Partners only ask each other how many people they have slept with. Most guys think about this, but are too afraid to ask. The thought of the act of our girl giving oral sex to a different guy is just too much to handle. We try to block it out and some guys may even make believe that their girl has only given oral sex to past boyfriends (this guy is known as someone “in denial”).
Using this information, crafty girls can keep men off their resumes, just like Enron kept billions of dollars of debt off their balance sheet. The debt still existed, but they didn’t have to show it.
Let’s say a girl I am dating has only slept with 5 guys and she’s 21 years old. I would be more than happy with this number. Now, what I do not know, though, is that she has given oral sex to 22 guys. If I knew this, I would be upset. However, I’ll never find out – and the girl knows this.
When a girl is intensely hooking up with a guy, at times she feels compelled to take care of him. Ideally, she’d sleep with him. It’s like taking your family to an amusement park that serves alcohol – something fun for everyone. In the back of her head, though, she wants to keep as much debt off her balance sheet as possible. To keep her name in good standing, she decides to give oral sex. The results are the following:
-The guy is happy. And why wouldn’t he be? Guys love oral sex.
-Insecure guys still have a story to tell their friends. 2nd base is not worthy of a story, unless the girl’s breasts are in the top 10% of the female population.
-Even though the average girl does not necessarily enjoy giving oral sex, she is happy to have pleased her man.
-Most importantly – the girl does not have to “count” this one. When she gets in a serious relationship, according to the numbers game, this night never happened.
So there you go. The Blowjob Loophole. To the girls of genius who have mastered this revolutionary mindset, I applaud you.
3 comments:
Amazing excerpt bro...I can def relate to it lol
Mr. Zawatsky you are an excellent man. Thank's for pointing out this post.
There are 2 anonymous comment leavers, so for the sake of verbally bashing the obviously belligerent female one, I shall call her anonymous #1...and we're off:
Dear Anonymous #1,
Stop being fiesty that Evan gave away your secret and now guys will know you have superficially lowered your number by blowing any guy with 2 good legs (or 1 good leg but 2 good credit cards). Also, don't correct someone's grammar and then go on to say "...ignorant sexist pig." Sweetheart (and I hope that word carries with it all the sexist bite and sting of lower wages for a comparable job), there should be a comma between the two.
Good work Z.
Sincerely,
B-10
I'm a dude you dickheaded frat boy.
love,
annonymous #1
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