The Evolving Fear of the Male Genitalia - by Blake Holl

In society, the way we perceive and how others perceive the idea of your manhood is one of much hype. Saying you don’t care what people think could be true. But most of the time, that’s a bold-faced lie.

So what is it that the male gender fears about their baby-maker? It’s just a part of your body right? You had no say in the matter. You didn’t tell your mother to enlarge parts of your body while letting other parts get shorter, or fatter, or a different color, right? Regardless though, let me explain to you the fear of growing up with a penis. DUM DUM DUMMMMM!

You start out not caring what anyone thinks. You’re five years old, peeing on your brother at the beach, running around naked in the supermarket, living like a king. You’re even showing girls without any hesitation, and guess what? Girls would flash you right back. It was the best idea you’ve ever thought of over the course of your five, irresponsible years on this earth. Man, if only that would happen today.

Somewhere between elementary school and middle school, this new belief evolves: “size is everything.” Oh boy. The fear begins here. “Is my penis small? Oh my God, people might laugh at me.” Flagging suddenly becomes popular at this critical point in life. You’re out playing and then BOOM!!! Your friend flags you, exposing your parts to everyone in school…shit. You know what also sucks, is the equation of the erect size of a penis (Note: this may be myth, fact, partially true, who knows):

Erect penis size (inches) = (½ shoe size) +1

I heard the so-called “+1” part later in life. You have everyone wondering what your shoe size is. Eventually, girls come up to you and ask you. That’s the worst. You’re put on the spot, face-to-face with the group of people who can change your entire adolescence (at this stage, a man’s only focus is the opposite sex). You respond with a hesitantly, but honestly, “seven.” They respond, “insert giggles, laughter, pointing” and then run away… great. Reminder, this is most prominent in the middle school and early high school years.

Your next big fear is not really size anymore. There is now a new question. “Am I a premature ejaculator? How long do I last?” This one is tough, and everyone can attest (except for girls, of course). So now, if you’re really insecure, you have to be not only “big,” but “be able to go the distance.” Damn, this is a lot of work. Around high school, this is what girls really want. They don’t want some puny baby who cums in a minute. Excuse me on my crudeness. They want some mac daddy who makes it rain in the bedroom.

So, is it the size of the wave or the motion of the ocean? When girls asked that question, I would analyze my choices closely, and then respond smoothly with “I’m a hurricane baby.” Giggle about that one bitches. No, but I’d really respond with, “motion of the ocean” cause I thought it was better. Who knows though, I could be a lake.

Somewhere between the end of high school and around college, this fear kind of dissipates, and you can just laugh at your situation. Role with the punches. The last problem you might encounter is getting it up. It usually happens when you drink too much, which may actually be a good thing. A lot of movement might trigger the contents of your stomach to come back up. Talk about awkward.

So that’s it for all you ladies who think being a guy is so easy. In the next generation, maybe we’ll go around asking how big your vagina is. You better be ready…